If you’ve just picked up your TV remote and are about to switch on your television, think over twice before you do so, as the only thing being flashed across all the channels these days is the much gossiped Abhi-Ash marriage. That’s how the media has baptized it. Some channels, just to stand out in the delirious competition, are even calling it Abhi-varya marriage. If you are one of those die hard fans and are more excited than you were or could be for your own marriage or if you are sitting annoyingly idle with nothing to do than surf through the channels, you can work out the rest of the permutations and combinations. I can help you with that- probably Shek-Assh or Shek-varya or can cut it down even smaller to Ab-ash. Yeah, you guessed it right, that’s what our responsible media is making the whole nation feel-‘abashed’.Well, the idea here is not to make things intense but to take a quick light hearted laugh at how one of the most powerful institutions of any country can stoop to such a miserable state of affairs. Sit back and enjoy.
There is this hindi news channel (can’t risk naming them as traffic to my blog is already on a rise) that claims to be the Sabse Tej channel and never forgets to self glorify and declare themselves the Schumachers and Barichellos of their trade- sabse pehle aur sabse tej, every time a story is telecasted. Moreover, they also have different channels running at different speeds for different viewers. Bang on STP! What say?? Anyways, I hope I needn’t spend more time on this introductory paragraph. You’ve got the hang.
Dha dha dha dha dha dha dha dha ……. (for those who didn’t get it right, it’s the introductory jingle music…hey hold on here comes the flying text in a colourful attractive font that says Abhi-Ash Marriage- Desh ki sabse badi shaadi (the same way as Hindi movies are titled like Daag-The Fire….. we somehow find this format too dear to do away. Don’t we??).
And here comes the “ok-ok behenji types” lady who is the host, (I wish it was AndyTV- prettier babes) shouting at the top of her voice “Aapka swagat hai desh ki sabse badi shaadi par- aap dekh rahe hai hamara vishesh karyakram- Abhi-Ash ki shaadi.” This loud invitation would actually force you to think, “Sahi hai bhai, a good alternative to invite people who were cornered from the show- like the Khans, 10 Janpath blah blah…. Asal nahi to yahi sahi.”
“To aayiye hum le chalte hai aapko Prateeksha”. Prateeksha is the name of Bachchan residence #1. By now, viewers already know what Prateeksha is, so the need for extra words is no more felt by the channel. After all they have to be faster than everyone. So let me also call it Prateeksha.
‘To aayiye hum le chalte hai aapko Prateeksha, jahan par nazar banaye rakhe hai hamare senior sanvadaata Salman Jaan.”. The name, I thought was intentional but there could have also been a bleak possibility of coincidence. The screen cuts into two so as to make some space for the reporter. The camera soon zooms in and focuses our jeans clad, heat tanned Salman jaan.
Spiky hair all ruffled, eyes deep sunk into the sockets, brows tweaked with exhaustion and stress, Salman jaan looks damn pale and tired. He’s been standing there since seven in the morning to get a glimpse of either the Bachchans or Rais and let the nation also get it at his behest. He was trying his best to disguise his true expressions and feelings through a strange wide mouthed manipulative smile. It failed to decorate his face though. It clearly said, “saale khud to AC mein baithe chaba rahe hai, mujhe khada kar diya hai bhookhe pet dhoop mein.”
“Salman, aye Salman”, says the host and Salman continues to be in the same posture with ear phones plugged into his right ear and a long baseball bat microphone in his hands. He knows something is expected from the studio and tries to position the ear plug correctly when all of a sudden he shouts, “Haan, haan Mandira, mandira main abhi Prateeksha ke bahar khada hoon. Aap apne TV screen par dekh sakte hai najara prateeksha ka”, and the cameraman standing somewhere under the shelter of trees immediately zooms onto the building to capture whatever is said by the reporter.
“Dekhiye kis tarah se saji hui hai Prateeksha. Subah se rishtedaaro aur karibi mitron ka aavagaman jaari hai. Ab tak humne, Amar Singh, Amitabh ke chote bhai Ajitabh aur unka parivar, blah blah blah ….ko andar jaate hue dekha hai, par abhi tak unme se koi bhi bahar nahi aaya hai”, continues the reporter. I just wondered, “yeh report de raha hai ki suspense kahani suna raha hai”.
“Chaliye, karib jaakar dekhte hai, kya kya tayyariyan ho chuki hai. Yeh dekhiye yeh phool mangaye gaye hai khas kerala se. Yeh aishwarya ke pasandida phool hai jinko managaya hai unki hone wali saas Jayaji ne. Phool ke saath kaante bhi hai. Oouch”, he continues breathlessly.
Mandira tries interjecting his informative blabbering but he seems unstoppable. She wants a commercial break and he is completely in a haste to puke out as much as possible. At least he could go for his lunch peacefully. The lady somehow manages to take control of the situation and hastily pushes the programme into a break after showing a series of visuals of the movies that the couple had done together.
So people out there, stay connected and I will be back soon after the break. Don’t go away!
